The crappiest day ever

Today was a classic day in the Northrip home. Most people would pray nobody ever finds out about these days, and then there is me- who will share it with the world! I have no shame. Today was going to be "family day" .

My husband typically works around 90 plus or so hrs in a two week pay period, he's very fortunate that he loves his job and chooses to work overtime when he can (which is at least once a period !) he works 12 hr shifts at a level one ER it is ridiculous busy so when he works it is work- come home- eat-sleep-goodnight making his "off days" special. We love daddy time! (And mama likes to shower) We all slept in ( I use the combination "we slept" loosely- the mr and ms c took over my bed forced me to the edge with nothing but a sheet and snored away while I caught a crick in my neck and frost bite of the toes) we all woke, I fixed breakfast, and we scouted out what fun activity we would embark on - after deciding the park would be a good adventure the mr set off to run some errands while ms c and I got dressed. This my friends is where it all went downhill. I went to change her diaper for the 100th time of the day and noticed red bumps - not a diaper rash - but blisters (that were not there a few minutes earlier when I changed her last diaper) I did what any rational mother would do and panicked and then googled it. Bad move. Convinced she now had thrush, measles, mumps, chicken pox, Scarlett fever or all of them morphed into a super bug I dialed her dr's office and played it cool- I then explained the symptoms- the nurse then interrogates me about our whereabouts the week before (the zoo, children's museum, fossil rim safari - oh lord! I've given her some African jungle fever I knew she shoulda never touched the deer!!! I was sweating now) the nurse asks if I can please come in today- that DOES NOT help any !! The mr arrives to find methrown together acting as though she lost a limb waiting at the door and off we go! 

Worst visit ever! From the time we entered the exam room she decided she was less then thrilled and progressively got more upset. When she saw her dr she went into melt down mode screaming crying holding her breathe (resulting in mama crying and getting sick to her stomach) upon investigation her dr decided the flesh eating virus was nothing more then a slight allergic reaction and heat rash and would be fine. But since she was here let's do her 15 month shots and take blood- I literally almost fainted - noticing how pale I was the mr begins giving me a half pep talk half lecture and we decide he will hold her- one prick, two shots, and an exercism later we all left crying, vaccinated and emotionally disturbed. We treated her to dinner and ice cream with gammy and poppy and at last the day was looking up! By the time we got home it was time for her bath and bed. This is where it all fell apart (yep even worse then earlier- I know!) so mr is having a bathroom break and sits ms c on her potty - idk how the rest played out all I know is what I encountered- I hear him say No! Stay on the potty followed by AMBER!!! (Never a good sign) I walk into him on the toilet, her OFF the toilet and Her POOPING on the tile as I grab her and rush back to the potty it happened. This is where we hit rock bottom- Fenway (the dog ) bust in and in one scoop EATS her poop!!! I immediately begin vomiting into the sink - naked child is back on her potty clapping her hands and laughing - the mr is gagging asking me to stop puking (seriously!? That's the most normal thing happening right now!!!) We have lost control!!! He's hollering , as I continue to puke, Charlie escapes and he tries to put pants back on. We finally managed to gather some composer and wrangle ms c into a bath while the mr brushed the dogs teeth- and then we laughed until we cried. Even on our bad days we are still making memories and even on the days that are literally "crappy" there is still a good laugh in there somewhere. Our family day doesn't end up as planned, and I still can't look at the dog without getting sick - but as we sat reading ms c her bedtime book I couldn't help but smile and think I wouldn't have it any other way. At least it isn't boring haha

That's not pebbles ....

My mother and I own and run a local boutique together in the historic downtown strip that features lots of cozy upscale boutiques boasting anything from home decor to women's and children's fashions  to antiques and beyond. It is both a blessing and a curse to be able to take Charlie to work with me when I need to. People always say "must be nice " when they talk about me working with her and while I do love and appreciate that I don't miss anything or time with her just for a second imagine doing your "job" or helping customers with a lil one year old diva attached to your hip.... Mmmmhmm that's what I thought !

Summers in Tx are hot. We texans are like lobsters in the boiling pot, added in some humidity on top of that heat and you literally feel like you may explode. That's about how the temp was this particular day last week. We had started the day off early with a photo shoot featuring Charlie. Since it smothering hot, and she'd been in full glam mode already I went ahead and just put a light lil onesie on her (something I never do if we leave the house). We were resetting the window displays so i too dressed for comforted and off we went.

She was playing like an angel in our office which lets face it is really hers! My mother aka "gammy" had given her a cup of sonic ice (her addiction ) and she was content. Realizing I was coming in and out (to look at the widows) Charlie thought this would be a fun time to play peak a boo with me. All I can say about what follows is thank goodness is was after we had closed.

As I came in and began picking up my "creative chaos" I noticed a white puffy thing in the floor. As I made my way over I realized it was Charlie's diaper. I froze. I knew what this meant. Lately she started trying to take her diapers off (and was quite successful if she had a onesie on) and then peeing on the floor! -my floors tile and while this lil trend infuriates me it is a quick fix- however the boutique floors are 100yr old wood floors with rugs .... Gammy! Do you have Charlie!? I nervously yelled praying maybe she had caught the naked bandit already... And then we both saw her at the same time I gasp and gammy bellowed out laughing uncontrollably .... There bent over in front of our huge glass window ... Facing the street with passer Byers was my naked child. Bare butt... Having no shame dancing away!! As I made my way over I could here gammy hollering that Charlie had gotten "pebbles " and to grab them so she didn't eat them.... As I got to my naked booty dancing baby and reached down an audible gag escaped ....there in front of the whole downtown my daughter had taken a number two. As I'm mortified trying to remove her and the evidence ASAP she began to applaud herself and dance.... And this is where it got worse (oh yea! It got worse ) on the middle of the floor she continued to "do her business" leaving a trail as i frantically tried to restrain,clean, and avoid her all at once. I now know what a hound dog experiences when trying to wrangle a rabbitt. My mother was of no help. She was bent over laughing uncontrollably which resulted in Charlie getting more excited and more wiggly! We finally managed to get the situation under control and I broke out the bleach as my mom giggled her way through getting a diaper on Charlie. I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry when about that time the duo popped out. Charlie freshly changed clapping her little heart out, and Grammys laughter edging her on, I chose to smile. There amongst the clean up, rubber gloves, and embarrassment I realized I am beyond blessed to not miss any of these shenanigans! And you can bet your pretty penny she lost her right to wear onesies to work.

pro choice pro life ... The Great Debate

I know this is way outside of my typical sarcastic rants about my crazy path to the ultimate wife and mother of all the land, however I don't feel a Facebook status debate is a proper platform to spill my guts on such an explosive topic like abortion. I will state right now that I am not here to judge. Your opinion is your opinion, as is mine. So please be respectful of my openness and accept me for me as I will/ would you. 

I know that typically there is either "pro choice" or "pro life which" is pretty black and white for such a major and layered topic. I feel like opposing "pro choice" gets you labeled a Bible thumping he man woman hater while objecting to "pro life " labels you a bra burning baby killer .... I have a strong hankering that neither of these stereotypes are close to accurate. (However I would love to burn my bras somedays and women really are awful (I kid I kid ... Kinda )

I really feel like the solution to the abortion debate isn't either one of these options. The solution to "unplanned/ unwanted " pregnancies starts long before conception. We live in both a sex fueled and sex phobic culture. Sex is everywhere, music, tv, ads, literature and more but yet we send our children to schools who aren't allowed to say "condom" and aren't able to teach accurate and useful sexual education because we fear it will "promote" this devious act. Personally I feel that sexual education causes people to stop and consider the consequences of an "activity ". Education is our best tool and weapon against any and everything -the more we know the more empowered and ultimately in control we become. Safe sex needs to be taught. You can tell them to abstain all day long but in the off chance there is a lapse in judgement or they "forget" to just say no wouldn't you want to know they knew how to protect them self?

Next - as a woman who became pregnant while on birth control I know it is not 100% fail proof- but I do know that it worked successfully for several years. Better and easier access to birth control would also be a huge help. If a woman feels responsible and mature enough to become sexually active I feel she should be given the tools to be safe, and to prevent becoming pregnant. I would gladly support gov. Funded birth control because it would directly effect the welfare numbers and prevent a lot of these "unplanned pregnancies" that we can't come to terms on as a country.

Last- and yea I know I rushed through this but the points are relatively clear- but last... I do NOT believe that "pro life " means you don't support a woman's choice. I believe that there is indeed SEVERAL choices (see above) that should be made before even having sex! And I believe if you  are properly educated on the risks, and even if you take preventative measures , you KNOW conception is a possibility. If you gamble and loose money do you get to go to the head of the casino and say "ya know I have rent coming up I'm gonna need that back it was a poor choice " (I'm aware the scale of gambling to pregnancy is skewed ) but the point being is you are indeed gambling. There are consequences for every action we make.... And maybe if we spent more time learning how to prevent the initial actions and not the results then we would see successful progress and see there is  a much  bigger colored picture.

I guess my point is that the "pro life" vs "pro choice" is not as black and white, left and right as we all like to think. There is way more to the actual root of the debate. We can't open a can of worms and only pick out the biggest two and say it is "squared away". Lastly - it's our job to fuse black and white into gray there is always a common ground and for me I feel like instead of arm wrestling each other into saying "uncle- you're right " we could put all that time energy and money into preventing the "issue at hand"

PUT IT BACK...I'M NOT FAT!!!

To me one of the most relaxing things is gettin' my eyebrows waxed..the warm cozy wax, even the quick "swipe" and knowing i will have perfectly shaped eyebrows...i guess maybe because mine are thick and dark I have ALWAYS been obsessed with grooming them. This particular instance was a day before vacation. Knowing there would be tons of pictures taken, and we would be flying in and meeting family we hadn't seen I decided to get my brows done.

Why can't simple things just be simple?

I had been to this place before so i dunno why i felt uneasy perhaps I should listen to my gut more often... anyhow! I sat down in the usual chair, was waited on by the usual girl, proceeded through the usual routine steps, however as she handed me the mirror I could tell by her face that what I was about to see just miiiiiiiiight be slightly less then "usual"

I had noticed that it seemed like she plucked more then she usually did..and she talked in Vietnamese more then usual...also alarming was the fact the other tech. came over and poked around a bit...

As I looked into the mirror I did not even have words to yell at her...all I could see was the big, bare, BALD, patch that WAS my eyebrow!! She could see my terror and began to tell me how pretty I was.....yea right lady I can SEE!!! All I could choke out was"NO! put it BACK!!"..Before I could say anymore she spoke words that made me boil even more then the ripped off eyebrow..the lil' 50 pound 95 year old woman said "you be very pretty if you were smaller...loose weight"...REALLY?! the weight is what's off?! I thought it might be the MISSING EYEBROW!!!!!

I dunno bout you ladies but I go to the spa for a pick me up, maybe it's to get a mani or pedi...a waxing...or massage but i leave feeling pretty and better about myself...NOT this day...

Now for those of you that do not know me I am 5ft tall and curvy...I am def. not skin and bones, but I'm rather comfortable with my small frame. I workout, and take relatively good care of myself could I loose 5 or 10 pounds well sure! But at this particular time I was headed to Mexico in a bikini the next day!!!

I began to cry and luckily she did not even MENTION payment...as I fled the seen of the crime I got into my car and bawled...this fat one eyebrowed woman was def. not a trophy wife...arriving at my mothers I was praying it wasn't as noticeable as I thought....without saying anything I walked in and before I could say hi she began to laugh hysterical asking "where's your eyebrow"?!....

Needless to say my week's vacation was spent wearing low floppy hats, side bangs, and eating salad...

For Jessica!~ Bacon Contest and Engagement Party

YAY for winning the contest love!! here are some YUMMY fast and easy bacon recipes that any domestic diva should have on hand for those last min. get together, gatherings, football parties, or any dinner party!!

1. Bacon wrapped Jalapeno- you wrap the bacon around the jalapeno secure with a tooth pick and either pop them on the grill or in the skillet! you can stuff them with cream cheese if you wish but either way they are delish!

2. All the way mashed potatoes- Mashed potatoes with chives, sour cream, cheese and you guessed it BACON!!

3.Bacon-Wrapped Potato Bites with Spicy Sour Cream Dipping Sauce
makes about three dozen bites

1 pound small or medium red potatoes
1 1/2 teaspoons chopped, fresh rosemary
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 teaspoon salt
freshly ground pepper
12 ounces-to-1 pound thick-cut bacon
1 cup (8 ounces) sour cream
1 teaspoon hot sauce
salt and pepper

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Wash and dry the potatoes. Chop them into 1-inch pieces, keeping the chunks roughly the same size, even if they aren't the exact same shape. Put the potatoes in a medium pot, cover with cold water, and bring to a boil. Season the water with salt. Once the water begins to boil, cook the potatoes for about 3 to 4 minutes, until you can stick a fork into them without too much resistance. You want the potatoes to be almost, but not fully, cooked through (so they won't fall apart during the next steps).

Drain the potatoes and put them in a large bowl. Add the rosemary, olive oil, salt, and a few grinds of pepper, and toss until the potatoes are evenly coated.

Cut the strips of bacon in half (with a short, vertical slice). Wrap each piece of potato in a half-strip of bacon, securing it with a toothpick. Put the potatoes on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper or aluminum foil. You may need to cook the potatoes in two batches.

Cook the potatoes for 15 minutes, then flip each piece. Cook for another 10 to 15 minutes, until the bacon is cooked through and crisp. Mix the sour cream and hot sauce in a small bowl. Season with salt and pepper. Pile the potato bites on a plate and serve alongside the dip.

4.Bacon/chees quesadillas: I use the quesadilla maker; but you can use a regular skillet...just take a tortilla fold in half and fill with shredded cheese and cooked bacon! pop in the skillet like you would a grilled cheese, you can add scrambled eggs/potatoes for a breakfast taco



Hope that helps you out a little bit!! and as for the engagement party:
It's to honor YOU guys and let everyone ooooh an ahhh over your ring!!!...it lets the families mingle and the wedding party meet! A good way to incorporate the bacon and the party is to have a grill out type engagement party!!

some fun ideas are "she said yes" plates/napkins/invites you can find at any local hobby lobby michaels walmart target etc.

having a basket with blank notecards for guest to write "marriage tips" for the couple/ best wishes

pictures of the couple throughout their time together placed about with fun facts about each them like where they met, how long you've been together, their first date, their favorite movie, their song, etc.

a money tree: a place for guest to give financial gifts to the couple

"the newly-wed game" - use an older couple (like grandparents), a middle couple (parents/step parents) or another "friend" couple, and the engaged couple ask fun questions like what's their fave color, what's their fave drink etc. and see who wins! have blank paper and pens for answers to be written down!

the father of the bride usually makes a toast giving his blessing on the engagement

Hope that helps you girly!! Have fun!!!!

Secret Weapons ...(Kitchen)

Every soldier is only as good as their gun. So for this part of our "mission" we need some power behind all this steam! As with any super hero, domestic divas need some secret "Weapons" of their own! This post is specific to kitchen items. To master any dinner party, pot-luck, or just a cranky husband there are two key goals...fast and EASY!

These are items that every too hot to handle woman should own and keep ready to use at any time:

1. George Foreman: it's fast, keeps meat relatively lean, grills, toasts, and you don't have to deal with the food after you have put it on the grill...I use ours for everything from bacon, fajita chicken, to simple grilled cheese. It's fast and it is so simple to just wipe clean! def. a life saver...and leaves the oven open for baking dessert!

2. Ninja Chopper- or really any brand blender/food processor. It allows for you to make items such as guacamole, salsa, shakes, smoothies, chicken salad or chop meat and veggies..and makes it look and TASTE like you a Emerald himself! It's so much easier to clean up and saves some serious time!!

3. Deep Fryer: from freezer to golden in a matter of min. you can whip up fast sides, great appetizers, even desserts, and meat and have everyone thinking you surely ordered out! It's the biggest time saver! We have one you can clean the grease on, it has two baskets to do 2 things at once, and a top cover so it isn't an eye sore! You will be the hottest football party on the block, and the best movie night in town!

4. Kitchen Aide Mixer: This is the mack daddy of all kitchen appliances...pricey yes but well worth every penny...from homemade pasta to hand baked bread you can literally feed the world with this mixer, or just whip up some A-list cupcakes! Not to mention the way it looks sitting on the kitchen counter ;)

5. Non-Stick pans- last but certainly not least good non-stick pans are the key to making cooking look effortless! Everything cooks even, looks great (because half isn't left behind), and they are a breeze to clean up!

Now that you know what you're going to use to knock em' dead!, I'll have to post the HOW part! Stay tuned some fast easy and DELICIOUS diva recipes are next up!

The Boobie Melt Down.....(literally)

OK! so back to round two with this "image"....I decided the "girls" needed some definite boosting...and while 90% of the women I encounter on a daily basis have PERMANENTLY "boosted" theirs I just am not mentally, nor financially ready for the step just yet.

The ever so lovely Victoria Secret was sure to have just what i needed...a lil "umph" and ALOTTA push! The clerk was great and said she had the perfect "wonder bra" for me so off we went...well it was a wonder alright!! That I could see me NECK after the things were shoved, lifted, puffed, and secured right into those bra cups the bulged as if they were muffin tins that had too much cake mix in them. She smiled and said "perfect"! Looks awesome!...as open mouthed I gocked back at my reflection. I thought I looked more like a "stage performer" then a housewife but just then she mouthed the words that sealed the deal....tossing her perfect golden locks over her shoulder she smiled "YA know I love it that even though you're married you still wanta look hot...now that's couture"....ALARM BELLS WENT OFF!!!! "I'll take it!" I proudly strolled myself to the check out, wearing my new weapon of choice and laid the credit card down. I felt like I could take on the world...as if that new "set of twins" was my golden ticket to ...whatever I wanted!

When I arrived home that evening I waited for my husband to arrive just sure he'd be wowed with my latest update! Luckily he's learned that he never is quite sure what he will come home to so something that isn't permanent, didn't ruin any part of the house, and won't cost a fortune to fix...he appreciates!

As he rounded the corner to the kitchen where I was standing over the stove I saw his eyes work their way up to mine.

"What are those?" he pointed to my chest
Ah ha! I knew he'd be impressed...maybe just MAYBE I was gettin' this trophy wife stuff down! As I turned to "shimmy" him a hello! I suddenly felt a gap between my skin and my left breast....simultaneously I heard the spppprrr-clunk into the vegetable soup I was stirring....

NO!!!! I screamed...and began frantically fishing my silicone falsee out of the mess!...as I began to pull it out I noticed half was missing...as I peered into the bottom of the pan I found it ...melted onto the pot like hot wax....and then and there with one breast still at attention the other bubbling on the stove...I had a melt down....

My husband, still in shock from his eventful 10min. home, began to laugh...and as he laughed I cried....I cried until I laughed and as he wiped the gunky mascara from my face he kissed my forehead and simply said "I'll order Chinese"...

Faking the "Homemade"

I have discovered a secret to "those" women’s amazing "homemade" from scratch dishes. They fake the homemade and they do it well….nothing is better than Granny’s cooking however there are some things that are just as good! Domestic Diva lesson number what are we on 3?....Always make it look hard, always make sure it’s easy!

Perhaps it’s a “southern” thing, but I have had a mad love affair with homemade mashed potatoes for…forever. The perfect texture of smooth seduction with just a touch of lumps; the way they melt when they hit your tongue, and the instant “hug” you feel as you take it all in one bite at a time. All this for mashed potatoes?.. you smirk.. NO all this for HOMEMADE mashed potatoes. Def. a comfort food you should enjoy in controlled amounts yet it is still one of the greatest treasures of the south.

I’m going to share a secret to making instant potatoes taste just like Granny’s. I know in our busy life we don’t always have time to boil and peel and dice and mash, so here is a quick fix that will leave you with that same hug feeling in 1/2 the time!

Here's the plan of attack:

Use Idaho potato flakes (mix as directed)
At one can of PET milk, (1/2 for 4 or less servings)
A stick (or 2 if you please) of butter
Sour cream to taste
Salt and pepper to taste

And WHAAAAAAAAALAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Whether it’s the family, or a dinner party they will think you spent all day slaving over the stove…and wonder how you found time to look so good while doing it!!!

Walking the errrhhh...stumbling the ...

Well since I have boosted the "internal" I thought I'd boost the external...I have noticed everywhere I turn women are striding around like graceful waterfalls in heels. No matter the temp., weather, or place women love them! There is something so instantly sexy about a woman in heels, that "old charm" elegance of the way she walks as if they are pillows (when we all know she has to be in such pain!)...the way the legs look instantly long and silky as if at any moment she is going to just pull out the red lips stick and go all Betty Gable on us!

Well me being a ferocious 5 feet nothing I figured it would be the thing to do...,getting heels that is, but what I didn't realize was I was getting a "2 for"...while wearing those heels I was getting a workout and free toe amputation!

I found the cutest pair of zebra print peak a boos, thick black heels rimmed in black trim with the most adorable and pin up-esque side clasp. I was in love...until I wore them to the grocery store...then I was in pain and an instant bad mood! No WONDER these women seem so snooty...they are crying inside! The intense burning is one i can't express in words. That of a thousand red wasps all attacking the EXACT same spot on your toe...I could feel my feet swelling and was beginning to seriously doubt my ability to walk back to my car in these death traps when the jello legs hit!

Ya know! The sea legs that scream NO MORE we're DONE!!! and begin to go numb and limb as if you are now being held up by cocktail sticks! Before I got married I wore heels every day as if they were flip flops, well today I realized that I was def. outta practice!...So I had no choice! There in the middle of HEB with my buggy full of groceries I took of the horrible bear traps and grabbed the nearest pair of house shoes I could see. The feeling of instant gratification was priceless....the fashion statement was indeed priceless too!

I noticed two reactions from two different women on the same aisle...both were in heels...the first, was standing there with her lean cuisines and organic apple juice looking at me like I had just scalped a parrot! Her mouth fell open and she let out a small "ah" as if what she had seen would lead her to years of therapy...the second....was from one of us...she tilted her head slowly peaking over the fish sticks and store brand soda...dragging her screaming pigtailed child behind her...and she let out a small "ah" as if what she'd seen was the BRAVEST thing she'd ever witness!! As if right then and there she would raise her heels in the air with me and we'd chant a witty cheer as we doused them in gasoline and held hands as they burned...yes right then and there we bonded with no words, no exchanges just understanding...

BONJOUR!!!

Well, HI!!

If you are lookin' for a Martha Stewart, Mrs. Clever type blog I'm afraid this is most likely the exact opposite. I like am clumsy and not perfect in fact I'm probably alot like you. I'm happily married, I get bored, I'm trying to loose weight (i have a feeling that may be my one constant?!) I enjoy a change of pace and my best skill is talking....of course I'll listen too BUT mind you I will probably have something to say once you've finished. I really dunno why I decided to do this? Perhaps the constant repetition of my wake up, cook, wash, clean up, repeat spin cycle was just too much!

So here I am! Ready to guide you one do it yourself project at a time to becoming the image of what every woman envys...the "Couture Wifee" yea yea you know the one...with the perfect hair, organized schedule, chic look, and house too die for...the one who always wins the bake sale, and her kids look like she cut them out of the Penny's catalog...yes you and I together will form an army of these stepford wives....but first here's the first lesson....

*~BENEATH EVERY PERFECT SHELL IS A STORM OF CHAOS~*...yup that's right! her kids put gum in her hair, her dryer goes out, and her living room wasn't redone my Madam Oo-la-la she's just mastered what we are embarking on....preentation!

SO ladies bust out the lip gloss, and bottled water....polish that siver and get ready Posh Spice has nothing on us!! ;)

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