Bottles and Babies and......BOOBS OHHHHHHH MY!!!!

So those of you that have read my adventures in becoming the domestic diva, already know i am not a let's say "busty gal" lol....Well then it should come as no surprise that for years I have told Mychal that "when i get skinny" (HA which means he thinks the time will never come ;) ) ....I want a boob job!!! wellllllll lemme tell you! after this lil "test drive" of the ladies I have changed my mind! These are not "ladies" anymore! They are out of control WOMEN!!! .....Anyone that had seen me noticed...you couldn't help and we would laugh and joke about it!!! ....well it wasn't 10 weeks after being pregnant that ummmm my "cup had runneth over"....long story short I had to go get a new bra today....oy vay what a mess!!!

I decided that getting dressed cute would help encourage me for this "big shopping outing" (i had been very sick and hadn't left the house all week) so on went the makeup the bling, the wedges (FATAL MISTAKE) ....out came the teasing comb (which at this point prob. thought I had gone bald or shaved my head because it'd been so long since it saw daylight!!) ....after getting dressed i just wanted a nap!!!!!! ...well i sucked it up and drug myself down to the good ol' kohls and thought (keyword thought! meaning I am deranged lol) I would look around maybe pick up some Christmas gifts etc.

I made it from the parking lot and immediately wanted to throw my shoes away...i could literally feel my veins pulsing through my legs screaming WHYYYYYYY!!!! GO BACK TO THE RELCINER!!!!....I knew then "shopping around" wouldn't cut it! to the bras I went to get something to reign these ponies in ....I had gotten to the point where i looked like a cheap stripper under my shirt....I mean who knew boobs could be muffin tops too lol ....

bra shopping has always been embarrassing because i am more of a fun sized lady, so i have to feel and check for padding and push up etc...i always imagined these dolly parton pamela gals strolling in and proudly grabbing whatever print they liked and being done....wrong! those poor girls stroll in and out so fast because they are in PAIN....their back feels like it's breaking your boobs feel like they may explode, and it seems like at any moment you may fall right over!!! I totally get it now lol....The c cups (yes i said C) are acrosss the aisle from the a/b (my usual spot) and i was thinking HA i finally get to cross over...but now that i was here I just wanted to go BACK ACROSS THE AISLE! ....i informed Mychal he was sooooo right I was never getting a boob job, that the test drive had cleared me of that desire.....he laughed and said "I was never much of a boob man, more of a booty and you have more then enough of that" hahaha MEN just when ya think they have said the right thing....they continue speaking and ruin it lol

The Boobie Melt Down.....(literally)

OK! so back to round two with this "image"....I decided the "girls" needed some definite boosting...and while 90% of the women I encounter on a daily basis have PERMANENTLY "boosted" theirs I just am not mentally, nor financially ready for the step just yet.

The ever so lovely Victoria Secret was sure to have just what i needed...a lil "umph" and ALOTTA push! The clerk was great and said she had the perfect "wonder bra" for me so off we went...well it was a wonder alright!! That I could see me NECK after the things were shoved, lifted, puffed, and secured right into those bra cups the bulged as if they were muffin tins that had too much cake mix in them. She smiled and said "perfect"! Looks awesome!...as open mouthed I gocked back at my reflection. I thought I looked more like a "stage performer" then a housewife but just then she mouthed the words that sealed the deal....tossing her perfect golden locks over her shoulder she smiled "YA know I love it that even though you're married you still wanta look hot...now that's couture"....ALARM BELLS WENT OFF!!!! "I'll take it!" I proudly strolled myself to the check out, wearing my new weapon of choice and laid the credit card down. I felt like I could take on the world...as if that new "set of twins" was my golden ticket to ...whatever I wanted!

When I arrived home that evening I waited for my husband to arrive just sure he'd be wowed with my latest update! Luckily he's learned that he never is quite sure what he will come home to so something that isn't permanent, didn't ruin any part of the house, and won't cost a fortune to fix...he appreciates!

As he rounded the corner to the kitchen where I was standing over the stove I saw his eyes work their way up to mine.

"What are those?" he pointed to my chest
Ah ha! I knew he'd be impressed...maybe just MAYBE I was gettin' this trophy wife stuff down! As I turned to "shimmy" him a hello! I suddenly felt a gap between my skin and my left breast....simultaneously I heard the spppprrr-clunk into the vegetable soup I was stirring....

NO!!!! I screamed...and began frantically fishing my silicone falsee out of the mess!...as I began to pull it out I noticed half was missing...as I peered into the bottom of the pan I found it ...melted onto the pot like hot wax....and then and there with one breast still at attention the other bubbling on the stove...I had a melt down....

My husband, still in shock from his eventful 10min. home, began to laugh...and as he laughed I cried....I cried until I laughed and as he wiped the gunky mascara from my face he kissed my forehead and simply said "I'll order Chinese"...